He's Still A Kid At Heart!

Well, leave it to my oldest son to get his mother laughing! He sent me this picture on Saturday when I have feeling kind of icky. Only Buddy could come up with Gilligan for Halloween and actually pull it off!

I used the following from ScrapGirls:

MAD_Sketch2Ro_Neutral_Shadows2801EHI_FamilyTies_12x12_Solid-TaupeGHU_Rustic-Crush_Special-3_PaperABR_DirtRoad_Emb_Frame1 (recolored)ABR_DirtRoad_Emb_Circle_RedBHA_Stylize_Embell1_RibbonABR_ScenicRoute_EmbMini_Wrap3ABR_ScenicRouth_12x12_Paper_OrangeTY_SS_Emb_PumpkinSMRoundTextureABR_DirtRoad_Emb_Star_GreenABR_DirtRoad_Emb_Star_OrangeFont: Comic Sans

I've been stuck in a real rut lately but hopefully between my little lady's smile and going back on Effexor I'll be back to my crazy self again. I stopped taking the Effexor last year and should not have. I'm just going to have to get used to the idea that, yes, I really do need it. I had taken for 4 years and made the horrible mistake of stopping it without tapering off. Bad move! The withdrawl was NASTY! Oh well, back up to 6 prescriptions a day. I guess that's better than the 9 I took after my heart surgery.

The Nastier Side of the Scrapbook World

Well, I stumbled across a scrapbook forum and a blog about scrapbooking. Let me just say this, if I didn't know there were nice people in the world of scrapbooking I'd run so fast you wouldn't see my dust. I already participate in 2 different forums so I know there are nice peoople out there. I'm just glad I found those site first!
I'm not going to even name the sites because quite frankly I don't need the grief some would find neccesary to cause me. Those women don't know me and I don't want to know them. The first site there was all kinds of crap going on from name calling to putting others down, you name it, it was there (including things that can be considered illegal when it comes to credit card info). The other a blog site operates under the guise of free speech. I'm saying it this way simply because this person is using free speech as an excuse to say nasty things about the other site and whoever she doesn't like. Hey you don't like someone and you want to say nasty things go for it, it's your right. BUT, don't act like you're doing it because of a freedom granted to you because you happened to be born in the U.S.A. Just admit you're doing it because you are exactly the same as the people on the other site.
I have never in my life seen supposedly grown women act they way they are. At BOTH sites! Now don't misunderstand me I can understand why some woman are upset. Heck I would be on the phone with a district attorney over the CC info. Even though I didn't enter any magazine contests it would upset me to find out a winner had bent the rules (or broke, whatever). But to sit and write some of the nasty things I've read. Do you women really kiss your children with that mouth? I must say when I see someone use language like that it makes me wonder where they got their educations. I don't care if it was at an Ivy League school, I want to make sure not to let my granddaughter near there when she grows up!
The scariest part is some of these women are supposedly professionals in scrapbooking. They also think they seem to have celebrity status. Uhmmm I don't have a clue who you are and don't care. Do you know who has celebrity status in my eyes? (besides my family and friends) Our soliders, police, firefighterts, emts and all those who do things every day of their lives to help others!
Now with that said I'm going to keep my scrapbooking world small. I will stick with the forums I've already found and the blogs where people are nice. I'm sure I'm going to get comments on this even though no one really cares about my silly little blog where I get to rant and rave about my life's problems. But, from what I've seen there is going to be someone who is so bored and has no life who will just have to respond in the negative. Go right ahead, but be warned I will not tolerate obscenties on my sight. Just as you have the right to say what you want, I have the right to keep my blog clean.

Too Many Emotions!

It's been a while since I've posted but it just keeps getting worse at home with my daughter. And this past week while my granddaughter was sick was the absolute worse. My daughter is a callous, self-centered, selfish ******! I seriously can't wait until I have legal custody of Anna (something my dd seems to want to happen like yesterday so she can rid herself of responsibility). Now my dd wants to start dating a guy who just started working with her. He's working there on a work release program from prison and was incarcerate for drug dealing!! I told my daughter if she even thinks about trying to bring him here, they're both going to get mangled and thrown in the dumpster! My daughter has seen my temper before but she's never seen the "South Philly" come out yet and she'd better pray she doesn't! How in the world can she even think about bring someone like that home around her daughter!!! The drunk was bad enough... and oh yeah it seems this new guy knows the drunk and he's out for blood. The drunk hit the prison guys young son who is now deaf in one ear from it. Well, now at least I have a good idea of why the drunk can't see his own son.
Where is my daughter's head??? I NEVER EVER was around people like this. I don't do drugs and have never kept alcohol in my house. I've tried to raise my daughter to be responsible, made sure she never went without basics, gave her the love any mother wants their child to have. The only time you'll see her show compassion for her own daughter is when someone else is around.
Poor Anna was sick all least week (infections in both ear, tonsils and sinsuses) and my daughter pretty much ignored Anna. All Anna wanted was to be comforted and loved because she didn't feel good but my daughter thought the computer and meeting guys off the Internet was more important. Of course I made sure Anna had her medicine and gave her lot of love and cuddles, she even slep with me in my bed all week because her mother is a miserable grouch when she's tired. My daughter's attitude was I'm trying sleep to be quiet! Excuse me, but that poor baby was in pain, had a fever and felt horrible. Now my daughter is sick and she expects sympathy from me. Yeah right, she can go bite herself.
Soon I'll have legal custody and I'm so torn because I'm at a point where Heather is going to have to leave. I can't have this **** around Anna, it's not right. Anna deserves to be loved and treated like the sweet little lady she is. She doesn't not need to be around creeps and drug dealers! Not in my home and certainly not around ANY child.

A Little Less Drama

Well, it's been a weird week. After all that yelling and screaming my daughter broke it off with Sean the drunk. At least I think she did!? She started talking to some old friends and I thought she was actually going to start going out once in a while. That hasn't happened yet and now she's still talking about Sean. As long as she knows he's not welcomed here. He really managed to get on my bad side. It's very rare for me to not allow someone into my home, I'm usually too forgiving and easy going. Sean knows though how I feel about him and knows I know exactly what kind of person he is; which probably explains why he is so terrified of this old lady.

He had my daughter to the point where she truly thought he was the only one who cared about her. All this happened way to quick too. In spite of the fact that Sean spent his entire pay in 2 days in the bar and I had $100.00 go missing, my daughter doesn't (or refuses) to see it.

I tried explaining to my daughter what life was like for my friend Cathy who lived with my brother John. I have a name for him I can't repeat and not get banned from the blog site. Yes, my own brother! In spite of my brother Cathy is one of my best friends and a wonderful mother to my niece and nephew. You see my brother used to do the same things to Cathy. John was 10 years older than her and thought he found a real sucker. My brother John would clear no less than $600.00 a week but Cathy and the kids never saw it. Cathy had to live on welfare to provide for the children. I tried explaining at the time to Cathy that there was no way all that money went to the bar in just a few days; that there was drugs involved. Cathy didn't believe me until the night my brother came home and put a shotgun to his children's heads (they were 2 and 4 at the time). Fortunately Cathy was able to get away without harm. I do not want to see something like this happen to my daughter and this Sean has my brother written all over him.

As a matter of fact my brother dared to contact me last year after not seeing or having anything do to with his children in 10 years. He's been in hiding so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Well his first mistake was calling me! He actually had the gall to ask me to sneak his kids up to see him. Little did he know the first time I called him I was calling from Cathy's! I just simply blocked her number. I kept in contact with that jerk for 2 months until I finally got his address out him. Cathy and the kids not only get child support now but got 10 years back support! My brother is so stupid, he knows that when it comes to children I will ALWAYS put them first. If I thought he deserved to see them I'd would have had no problem approaching Cathy about it. But John is still drinking and using drugs, so forget it.

Even my life was not easy living with an alcoholic father who also suffered with schizophrenia. In spite of the stories my daughter just don't listen. I worry that she's going to find out the hard way but there's little I can do about, other than making sure my granddaughter is safe. My daughter did talk to me though about taking custody of Anna. My daughter realizes she has problems that are going to take a long time to overcome.

Now to find out how I go about becoming Anna's legal guardian without having to hire a lawyer. I don't mind at all, I love Anna dearly.

I did do a digi layout this week. With all this worrying about bipolar etc. it made me start thinking of my Dad who took his own life in December 2000. It was left up to me to make the decision to remove his life support. I found a great poem online written by Christine M. Butz that said it much than I could.

The credits are:

Andrea Gold Template 107 ; Scrap Girls: TKA_FireStation_12x12_Concrete_SPECBHA_Stylize_Special_12x12_Crumpled (recolored)SNU_ACollageUnleashed_Emb2_Flw-BlkBVA_CollageStamped_Brush SetPoem: Written by Christine M. Butz

And with that enough said for today!

Need to Vent!

Read here to join the party.

I swore I was only going to put good stuff on my blog, but I really to need to vent. It's too darned early to bend any of my friends ears or my son John who is probably still snoring, lol.

My daughter just walked out leaving her daughter behind. All because I will not allow her new boyfriend move in. Now mind you I'm the idiot who let my granddaughter's father stay with us for a while because he had no where to go when his parents tossed him. Well, we all know the results of that. My beautiful little lady, Anna. I love my granddaughter and will do what is necessary to make sure she's safe but I still blame myself for my dd getting pregnant.

My dd met her boyfriend at work just 2 weeks ago. Now first I wasn't happy because my dd is 20 and he's 31. At 31 years old he's working at McDonalds, living with his sister and has a son he not allowed to see.

First it was can Sean stay for a couple of days because his sister went away and he forgot his key. Being the idiot I am I said okay but just a few days and knowing he likes to drink I had one rule. He does not come here drunk. My oldest son Buddy is a drinker and even he is not allowed here if he's drunk. I'm no prude by any means, I have no problem with someone wanting to have a couple of drinks after work but getting drunk is another matter entirely. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I won't put up with that lifestyle as an adult.

Well, the first night Sean stayed here it happened to be payday. You know what happened, he went straight to the bar. That's after his sister chased him down for the rent money. He came in here and both my daughter and Sean insisted he wasn't drunk. Hmm... considering he kept speaking with the fake Irish accent, I'd say he was drunk. I let it go but told my dd in the morning, not again. Last night of course Sean went to the bar and was there several hours. I refused to let him in. The 2 of them kept insisting he wasn't drunk. I don't care what they said he wasn't coming in, end of story.

I have no idea where those 2 spent the night and my dd seems to have no concern where her daughter was. Granted she knows Anna was here with me but that's beside the point. All night they tried to get me to "discuss" the situation. I flat out refused, there's nothing to discuss. I had a rule, you didn't listen. My daughter even came up here telling me Sean was promising not to drink anymore. And as she's telling me this she's getting his 4 bottles of beer of the fridge because he wanted it. Say what?

My daughter just walked out my door telling me I'm behaving like a 2-year old. I'm behaving like a 2-year old and yet my daughter just walked out the door leaving her daughter behind! And this was while Anna was holding her arms up to her mother to be held. I made her give me her key to the apartment since she's so determined to stay with Sean.

I'm having a hard time understanding this whole situation. I did not raise my daughter to be so selfish and uncaring. Maybe in some way it is my fault. I've always put my daughter's needs ahead of mine. That's how my Mom was and I feel it's the way you should be. Your children come first! It doesn't help that my daughter was diagnosed as bipolar, refuses to take the meds or see a therapist.

My concern right now is for my granddaughter. I'm going to have to find out Monday what I can do to get legal custody. I hate to do such a thing and take Anna away from Heather but I'm really worried. I don't want Anna to have to be around someone who gets drunk every night. I lived that life and it's not a pretty one.

Wow, it feels good just to type and vent. I've found that if I type or write everything out I can stand back and get a fresh perspective. That and it allows me to calm down and cool off! For the most part I'm easy going and laid back, until I get ticked off. Just ask my dd how many dishes I've broken over the years LOL. Which is why I'm typing away like mad. Anna is awake and playing nicely doesn't need to see Mom-Mom have a tantrum.

Well, Anna is going to get outside to play for a while. I need to go buy my cancer sticks (cigs) and Diet Pepsi so I may as well keep on walking and take her to the park for while to play. She loves it there and the walk will do me good.

Friday and home from work.

Read here to join the party.

I ended up not going to work today. I'm having yet another FMS flare, yuck! I am so sore it's not funny. But I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying to move as much as I can becuase if I don't I'll just end up in even more pain. That's the problem with FMS, your darned if you do and darned if you don't!

I have to pick up Anna today from daycare (dd working later than normal) and I knew the moment I opened my eyes this morning it would have been impossible for me to go to work and pick her up. Getting home from work, I take the trolley and then the train. I would have had to get off the train at the daycare and then a 20 minute walk. A 20-minute walk when I feel this bad turns into an hour, my arms and legs are on fire. At least staying home I can hop the bus to go get her since it's a straight run from home. It sucks I've always loved walking and to me it's not a long walk at all. Oh well.

On a more positive note , yesterday when I left work instead of getting off at 30th St. Station, I stayed on the trolley and went to the Gallery. My granddaughter is in serious need of fall and winter clothes and I wanted to see if I could get a few things for her. When your income is limited it gets tough keeping up with a growing baby!

Anyway I was going to go in the K-Mart but when I walked by the Old Navy they were having a sale. OH I found the cutest things. I ended up spending $68.00 but for that amount I got her 2 pairs of jeans, a jacket, 4 long sleeve tops and 2 pairs of pajamas. I think I did pretty good this time and I love all the pinks and browns. I did end up in K-Mart anyway because I needed a new pair of sneakers and I'm really cheap when it comes to buying myself something. I did find a comfortable pair (that's all I worry about) for $20.00 and got lucky because K-Mart's shoes are on sale, buy one get another for 50% off. So you know what I did, lol, I bought Anna another pair of sneakers. Well, at least she has 2 pair now. I bought her Dora sneakers and last week I found cute little pink and brown ones so she's good for a while. Now of course after worrying about Anna not having any fall clothes when the weather was cool all last week and I didn't have 2 pennies to rub together... it's going to be nice and in the 80's all next week! LOL, go figure. If I hadn't bought anything we'd have a cold snap.

I just finished a layout for a challenge at Scrap Girls and thought I would share it here. It's of my dd when she was 2. She was the flower girl at my cousins wedding.

I used PSE3 and the following from Scrap Girls:

Paper and frames from:SNU_ACollageUnleashed

Flowers and pearls from:ASO_WinterWhite

Font: Lucida Handwriting

Well, I'm going to rest for a bit before I have to go get Miss Anna.

Just Thinking About Stuff

Oh my goodness I think I actually like my daughters new boyfriend. Believe me I was ready to really not like this guy. My daughter is 20 and her b/f is 30! She met him at work.
Well, he came over last night and he seems like a decent guy. When he came back today my jaw literally hit the floor when he told me he had a talk with Heather last night. In only that one night he observed this scene: I came home from work and since I had to give up driving my car this week (can't afford the insurance) I take the train and then a trolley to get to work. This also involves a good 20-25 minute walk and takes roughly 1 1/2 hours. Well, after work I came in sat down for about 5 minutes after greeting my granddaughter and getting lots of hugs and loveys. Then the routine started. I started picking up all the junk laying around on the floor (empty soda cans, junk mail, etc.), fixed dinner for my granddaughter and sat with her, cleaned up that mess (she's 17-months old, lol, don't need to say more) then sat and played with her for a good while. Then did all the dishes from the night before (I'm too darned tired at the end of the night to do them), gave my granddaughter a bath and got her ready for bed and then finally got around to cook dinner for everyone else. It takes a little bit to make chicken cutlets and all the fixings. By the time I finished all of this it was 11:00 p.m.!
My daughter gets upset when anyone says anything to her about the fact that Mom does ALL the work. I sometimes wonder what she would do if I weren't here. She also knows the possibility of that happening! I had a triple bypass back in November of 1998, having heart disease and running around like a chicken with its head cut off is not a good combination. Well, that and I started smoking again... I know, I know.
I quit for 4 years after my heart surgery and started again. How stupid is that? Dumbest thing I've ever done. There were a lot of things going in my life at that time and I suppose that's what helped me start again. I can actually remember lighting up that first cigarette and crying about it. It was a very bad year for me in 2003. I was burning the candle at both ends. I worked full-time, was going to college part-time and dealing with a newly diagnosed bi-polar teenage daughter. Plus I had never properly dealt with my fathers suicide in 2000 either. Needless to say my depression got bad enough that I had to stay in the hospital for a week.
At first I was really upset that I was told I "had" to go but after getting there I realized I needed the help I was being offered. I took them up on it too, even going for intensive therapy for a month afterward. I took Effexor for a while but found I do better without anti-depressant meds, they seem to a bad mix with my other meds for my heart, blood pressure, thyroid and don't mix well at all with tramadol! I take the tramadol for my FMS pain and I'm sorry but I'm not giving that up. It takes just enough of an edge off of the pain so I can function and try to live a somewhat normal life. Without it just getting out of bed is nearly impossible let alone all the things I need to get done.
Anway, I'm truly glad I got help from doctors to deal with my depression and other issues I had tried to squelch for years. Talking to someone really helped me put things into perspective, especially my father's suicide. That was especially tough for me because I'm the one who had to make the decision regarding removing his life support. I pray no one has to go through that, although I know there are times it happens. My father took 60 blood pressure pills and had been dead for 15 minutes when paramedics revived him. In the intensive care he was in a coma and doctors could not determine if he was brain dead or not in spite of all their testing. After talking to them and my sister-in-law (thank you God for giving me her as a friend) I made the decision to have all but the feeding tube removed. The doctor described to me about removing the feeding tube and if he was aware it would have been a horrible way to die. I sat there beside my father's hospital bed and although he was in a coma talked to him. I told him I remembered that he said if he were ever in this position to make sure he was not left like a vegetable. At that moment even though his eyes never opened he smiled. I sometimes question my decision to remove the life support and then remember the smile. It's that smile that gets me through my decision. Did I make the right decision? I'm sure there are those who would argue that I played God and shouldn't have removed the life support. But, it was what my father wanted and I truly believe that if God didn't want me to do it He would have found a way to let me know. I'm not big on praying but on that day I did, seeking guidance, so I truly believe I made the right decision.
Well, off I go the troops are home!